


Rude Tales of Neoscum

by BaronVonChop



Category: NeoScum (Podcast), Rude Tales of Magic (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Is it a Neoscum AU if it includes the Neoscum characters?, Rated T for profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22660321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaronVonChop/pseuds/BaronVonChop
Summary: The characters from Neoscum and Rude Tales of Magic meet in a bar.This was mostly just an excuse to imagine what the Rude Tales characters might be like in the Neoscum universe.
Kudos: 5





	Rude Tales of Neoscum

The Neoscum crew were hanging out at their favorite bar in NeoCordelia, the Delighted Blood Wife Gulch Hideaway, when the door opened and a crew they had never seen before stepped inside. They were a strange-looking bunch of Shadowrunners, and as they approached the bar, the Neoscum crew wondered what they were dealing with here.

The first one to approach the bar was a muscular man in a mesh shirt and tight leather pants. His horns resembled those of a Devil Girl, but his skin was blue instead of red. He had a short-barreled shotgun with a pistol grip in a sheath over his back. "My man," he said to the cyclops bartender, "what kinda beer do you serve?"

"What kind of fucking beer do you want, motherfucker?" the cyclops bartender demanded, his voice surprisingly high for such a burly cyclops.

This threw the horned man. "Uh… did I, like, do something to you?"

"I'll tell you what you haven't done, you haven't ordered a fucking beer."

"Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name's Bellow—"

"I don't fucking care!"

Bellow continued resolutely. "What's yours?"

"Not that it fucking matters, but my name's Cy Pepsi, now are you gonna fucking order?"

"Yeah, just get me whatever's on tap."

As the bartender poured Bellow a drink, Dak Rambo stood and approached the group, his cat eyes studying the sasquatch. She wore a jeans vest decorated with enamel pins in arcane shapes, torn blue jeans, and the well-worn high-top sneakers. Dark fur covered her body, and the hair on the top of her head was longer, styled in a mohawk with the tips dyed purple.

Dak cleared his throat into his fist, then exclaimed, "Chickaree! Chicka-chicka-chickaree!"

"Uh… what?" the sasquatch asked.

"Hey!" her faun friend said. "Are you making fun of her because she's a sasquatch?" The faun wore a martial arts outfit with her hands taped up. She had swirls and patterns shaved into her fur, perhaps indicating subdermal augments, or perhaps purely for decoration.

The sasquatch put out a hand to stop her friend from swinging her staff. "Hang on, Albee, give him a chance to explain what that was supposed to be."

"But Cordelia—"

"Yeah, woa, no!" Dak said, putting up his hands. "That was a traditional sasquatch call! Did I, uh, do it wrong? I think I may have gotten a bit rusty. Or maybe you're from a different tribe…"

Cordelia's face fell. "No, I'm sure you did it right. It's just, well, I don't really know sasquatch customs. I grew up on my own."

"Oh," Dak said. "Well, I was raised by sasquatches. As a matter of fact, my sasquatch buddy Rhon and I used to hang out at this very bar, but nevermind that. Uh, if you wanted to, I could maybe teach you a little?"

Cordelia looked at Albee. The faun sighed and relaxed her stance. "Okay. Do you know Kreedis?"

Dak grinned. "Do I know Kreedis? He and I once sixty-nined on the floor of the bathroom of this very establishment!"

Albee hesitated. "Well, maybe once you've told Cordelia about sasquatches, you could tell me some stories about Kreedis. Maybe not, uh, the sixty-nining…"

Dak waved them over to a booth. He had been trying to figure out what Cordelia's pins reminded him of. For some reason he was having a hard time focusing on them, and they seemed to shift in her peripheral vision. All he could say was that something about them made him want a burger, fries, and a shake, so he ordered them all some meals (without meat for Albee, at her request).

Tech Wizard and Zenith studied the remaining two newcomers, but did not approach yet.

The smaller of the pair wore a dark tactical hoodie with the hood up, cargo pants, and combat boots. A wide black beak emerged from his hood, and only other features that could be glimpsed were two wary, slightly manic eyes glinting in the tacky neon light of the bar. He had a heavy pistol with a long scope in a holster on one thigh.

The taller figure resembled a skeleton in a baroque tuxedo. Most of his visible bones were chromed metal, except for his cranium, which was off-white bone. Two mechanical eyes peered out from the skull's sockets, their pupils shining blue LEDs. Three parallel black mohawks had been glued to the top of his skull.

Tech nudged Zenith. Keeping his voice low, he asked, "Hey Z, what's that skeleton guy's deal?"

Zenith brought up his matrix perception. "You mean other than his badass fashion sense? Let's see."

"I'm getting some strong magical vibes coming off him," Tech said.

"Lots of cyberware, too," Zenith replied. He whistled. "LOTS of cyberware. We're talking prostheses, life support, the whole shebang. Not much left of the original chassis."

"Are you saying… are you saying he has a robohog?"

"My man, I'm saying that, besides a chunk of skull and some brains, he's got robo-everything."

Tech's voice was hushed. "That is so cool!"

Zenith was less enthusiastic. "Yeah, I dunno. Something tells me that, whatever he's got going on, it wasn't his Plan A. And you said you're sensing magic from him?"

Tech was nearly bouncing in his seat. "Oh, he's magical, for sure."

"If I had to guess, I'd say he tried to make himself into some kinda techno-magical immortal, but something went wrong."

"That. Is. Awesome."

Zenith quirked his lips. "Not really."

Tech wasn't really listening anymore. "I'm gonna go talk to him."

Zenith lifted a hand. "All right, go for it."

"Are you gonna come with me?"

"Huh?"

"What if I don't know what to say?"

"You need me to be your wingman?" Zenith narrowed his eyes, crinkling the scar over his cybereye. "For the chrome skeleton?"

"Would you?" Tech pleaded.

Zenith stood. "Fine."

As they walked over to the pair, Tech spoke out of the side of his mouth. "What do I say?"

"Introduce yourself," Zenith whispered back.

The skeleton looked up at them. "Myis?"

"Uh hi, hey, I'm uh, I'm the Tech Wizard," Tech stammered.

The skeleton's chrome grin betrayed nothing. "Myis?" he asked again.

"Uh," Tech managed, before looking to Zenith for help.

"My man Tech Wiz is on a TV show," Zenith offered. "Maybe you've heard of it?"

"Ah, I see," the skeleton said. "Stirfry, have you heard of this wizard man? His antics seem like they might amuse you."

"Let me see," the beaked figure replied. "There is something about him that seems familiar, yes, I can't quite… ah, yes! Mister DeBonesby, I remember! He was in that video I showed you with Grant Junctal."

The skeleton raised a bony, chrome finger to his chin. "I do vaguely recall…" He hummed a snatch of a ditty. "E is for the evil wizards, F is for the farts wizards eat…"

Tech chuckled nervously. "Heh, yup, that's me."

The skeleton, DeBonesby, leaned forward, "Was there something you wanted?"

"Uh," Tech began. He hesitated, then decided to go for it. "I was just wondering about all your, you know," he waved his hands at the skeleton, indicating his techno-magical body. "And me, I'm, well..." He indicated himself.

"Slovenly?" DeBonesby offered.

Stirfry added, "And pudgy. Dumpy, even."

DeBonesby inclined his head. "Quite so."

Tech coughed. He looked at Zenith, who shrugged. Tech brushed his hands over his robes self-consciously. "Yeah, sure, okay, that's fair. But um, I was wondering how I might do something like what you did."

"And what is it that you believe that I did?"

"You, uh, became a…" Tech wasn't sure how to put it.

"A skeleton man?" DeBonesby asked. Tech nodded. DeBonesby checked his cuffs. "Well, that's simple."

"You'll tell me?" Tech gasped. Zenith looked surprised, too.

"But of course. You must get rid of your skin and your flesh and your fats." He paused. "Do you wish to know how to survive the procedure?"

Tech's face had become paler than usual, but he rallied. "Yeah?"

"Absolutely out of the question. Come along, Stirfry."

As Stirfry began to follow DeBonesby, Zenith asked him, "So what's your deal? Are you his bodyguard, or…?"

"I am his personal chef!" Stirfry said. "And his manservant, his attendant, and whatever else Mister DeBonesby needs of me."

Zenith's voice stayed conversational, but his eyes flitted from Stirfry to DeBonesby and back. "So does he pay you…"

"Pay me!" Stirfry exclaimed with a nervous little laugh. "Well, no, but I owe him, you see, for making me this way. He gave me the gift of speech, so that I may serve him, certainly, but also for my own use. And he has promised to teach me to fly!"

Zenith picked his words carefully. "So he took you in, altered you to suit his needs, and now you spend your life doing whatever he wants?"

Stirfry tittered. "I suppose that is accurate, yes."

Zenith's face betrayed nothing. "Huh."

Back at the bar, Bellow was finishing his beer when a voice said, "You remind me of Chester Blue Raspberry."

Bellow looked around for who was speaking. After a few confused moments, he looked down and saw Pox staring up at him. "Uh, hey," Bellow said. "Who's Chester Blue…?"

"Blue Raspberry," Pox finished for him. "He's my crush in candy crush. Well, he was."

"What happened to him?"

Pox smiled very wide. "I ate him. Would you like some candy?" She offered him a handful of lollipops.

"Hey!" someone shouted from across the room. Albee hurried over, followed by Cordelia and Dak, who was still trying to tell stories.

"...and one time, Rhon and I climbed down through an outhouse hole because I thought I'd dropped in my Neo-Yu-Gi-Oh cards, but they were in my pocket the whole time, but before we could climb out, the sasquatch elder sat down…"

Albee pointed her staff at Pox. "What's that you're offering him? Is that Kamikaze? Red mescaline? Krange?"

Pox looked at the lollipops in her hand. "This one's lemon flavor, and this one's orange, and this one's pineapple, and this one's grape…"

Bellow smiled at Albee. "It's okay. She was just telling me that I remind her of her crush, but she ate him."

Albee's voice rose an octave. "How is that okay?"

Everyone started talking at once, but Dak's voice rose above the din. "Okay! All right! I think it's time we hit the road. Come on, fellas, follow ol' Dak back to Xanadu."

DeBonesby made a shooing gesture. "Yes, I think that's for the best. Please take your portly wizard man with you."

"Sure, sure," Dak said. "Well, it was nice to meetcha," He patted DeBonesby on the back. He repeated the gesture to the others as he walked past them. "Be seein' ya. Adios. Smell ya later. Hang in there, kid." That last one was to Cordelia, and he had to reach up to pat her on the back.

Cordelia, Albee, Bellow, DeBonesby, and Stirfry watched Tech, Zenith, and Pox follow Dak out of the bar. None of them noticed the Sister's Kid pins that Dak had pinned to their backs.

* * *

Max sat in a booth in the back with a lumpy little bird with a bear's head. Max sighed. "Yeah, they always forget about me, too." He got up and hurried after the others. "Hey! Wait for me!"

**Author's Note:**

> Neoscum: <https://neoscum.com/>  
> Rude Tales of Magic: <https://www.rudetalesofmagic.com/>


End file.
